Are we now too lazy to tie our shoes?

Admittedly, I bemoan old folks bemoaning young folks by saying things like, “Kids these days have gone soft.”Or they’ll say, “In my day, we used to… ” which is followed by a tale from childhood recalling some nightmarish Dickensian task they were forced to perform—by hand!—that violated all child-labor laws and would today result in a visit from family services, and how it made them stronger.
 
Look, I’m sorry, but if instead of walking five miles to school, uphill in the snow, and carrying 20 to 40 pounds of books (today’s national average for US high-schoolers), you could get into your mom’s car, the one with the heated seats, and be dropped at the school’s front door with your 4-pound computer, you’d jump at the chance.
 
Or, if instead of peeling and hand grating five pounds of potatoes and two large onions (which I did last weekend to make a potato kugel), you could whip out the food processor and save your time, fingernails and flesh, it’s kind of no contest. Plus, it keeps blood out of the kogel. (So not kosher, but very Dickensian.)
 
Since the dawn of time, we have looked for ways to make life’s tasks easier. See also: the wheel, the lever, the iPhone and the Shake Weight. 
 
But things have finally gone too far. And yes, I’m looking at you, multinational footwear giant Skechers! At the risk of sounding like one of those crotchety old farts I bemoaned earlier, I’m crying: WTF! Yes, we evolve. Yes, many of us are in the fortunate position to make our lives easier through the purchase of whip-smart labor-saving devices like the Keurig (even though it makes a lousy cup of coffee—but it’s so easy!). But how easy do we need it? Have we evolved so much the we are now solving problems that don’t even exist? The answer is: Yes! 
 
Witness the new and nonsensical labor-saving boondoggle: Skechers Hands Free Slip-InsTM! “Designed with our exclusive Heel Pillow™ that allow [sic] you to step in without bending over.” Sell line: “Comfort without the hassle.” Finally! Some intrepid titan of industry has taken the aggravation and annoyance out of bending.
 
Yes, these are sneakers you can just slide your feet into. No annoying bending down to put them on. Really? Is bending that big a hassle in your world? (If you answered, yes, please have that note from your doctor ready.) I never got the memo. Was bending indeed an issue? Maybe you, say, get dizzy. You can (and here comes a crazy idea) sit down to put on your sneakers! Or does that take too much of your precious time? “Out of my way! I may be dizzy, but I’m running to the hospital to perform open-heart surgery on Mike White, Creator of the hit TV series, White Lotus! I can’t be tangled up in laces! We need season four!”
 
Okay, so you’re in a rush. In 1968, footwear brand Puma brought to market the Velcro fastener for sneakers. By the ‘80s, brands from Reebok to Nike ran with it. (See what I did there?) Sadly, if you have any sense of fashion, these sensational savers of hassle and time are not an option. Velcro sneakers make you like a) a toddler or b) a resident of some pleasant assisted-living facility who has vague memories of the good old days when you had dignity.
 
Back to the Skechers issue. We need to slip into our sneakers without bending as much as we need to get into our pants without pulling them up. Or forget pants entirely and go Mumu! Come on, friends! Take some ownership of your life! (Sorry for yelling! Yelling!)
 
Here are the exceptions to easy-on sneakers. A) Someone with a physical challenge. Again, you can get a doctor’s note. 2) Triathlon runners. If you don’t know, a triathlon is a grueling race consisting of swimming, then cycling, then running. So there are triathlon-specific shoes using a no-laces design for quick transitions from cycling to running. Why? Because every tiny split second counts. Some triathlons even award prizes for the fastest transitions. But guess what? To put on those triathlon-specific running shoes, you still have to a) swim, b) ride, c) run and d) bend to put the damn shoes on. 
 
But what if you’re in that big a rush and you’re not in a race? There are always flipflops, slides, clogs, mules, and the list goes on. (Notice I did not list bedroom slippers. If you are blithely wearing your bedroom slippers to the supermarket or on a plane, I have a whole other rant with your name on it.)
 
Are you physically able but find that bending is too big of an imposition in your life? Well then, maybe you need to try walking five miles to school. Uphill. In the snow. Carrying 20 to 40 pounds of books. Including a copy of Dickens’ Oliver Twist. In hardback. 
 
Go tie your damn shoes!

Stay careful-ish,
​Honey