​Q: What’s glorious on but disgusting off?

If you guessed hair, you win! Sadly, you win nothing of real value. (Hey, just take the W.)
 
Is there anything more worshipped than hair?
 
Is there anything more disgusting than hair? 
 
But how can this be? How can something go so quickly from being what people often refer to as their crowning glory to something utterly disgusting when found on the floor? Or worse, in a drain? We love our hair so much, until…
 
Allow me to back up. I’ve long had a challenging relationship with my hair. Why? It curls. Back when I was in school, my peers wore their hair in wings or feathered. (You now know my approximate age.) Curly hair neither wings nor feathers. It simply was not made for flight. Nor is it the stuff of prom queens. (Truth: I was more than a few curls away from a crown.) 
 
Hair Sidebar: I have dark-ish skin for a white gal. When I was about ten, my mother cut my hair short, making the curls even bigger. She then bought me peasant tops, which were so not a regular purchase for her. But she loved that it made me look like her little Mexican daughter. I have no explanation beyond that.
 
So, what is curly hair good for? One word: shedding. At any time of day, I can reach onto my head and pull out a clump. (Want some?) Every day, I step out of the shower (meaning every day that I actually shower) and brush my hair to find at least half a wig’s worth of hair in the brush. And it gets everywhere!
 
A few of the places I’ve found my hair: 

• On the floor filled with dust (I should sweep more)
• On my plate
• In cake batter
• All over the bathroom
• On bars of soap (color me thrilled with the emergence of body wash)
• In the shower drain
• On the car’s floor mats
• In the dishwasher
  
• In the cat’s water bowl
• On the cat
• In the litter box (don't ask)
• In corners 
• On my perspiration covered forearm while running (particularly infuriating)
• On my computer keyboard (at this very moment, in fact)

 
If I may share a friend’s story. A good friend. Let’s call him Dog Breath. (Zero reason for that.) Dog Breath and his wife were over for dinner. Dog Breath’s wife has even thicker, curlier hair than I do. It too, gets everywhere. We were sitting at the kitchen counter laughing about places we’ve found our hair. That’s right, curly hair gets so all over the place that it was a topic of conversation. Dog Breath felt we were all close enough friends to share that he once found one of his wife’s hairs in, of all places, his own butt crack. According to him, when he pulled the long hair out, it felt like he was flossing his ass.
 
Hair anywhere but on my head will push me to the verge of gagging. And wet hair, OMG. When it’s time to clear a drain, I literally have to turn my head as I execute the maneuver. I first grab a piece of toilet paper (tissues work better—they’re thicker) and with an extended arm, lift the offending tangle, drop it in the trash, then wash my hands. When I stay in a hotel, I want to write an apology note to the cleaning staff. 
 
Worse than finding my own hair in the drain? Finding yours. I have no damn idea where your hair has been. The shorter the hair the worse. (You know what I mean.) I’m also 100% again the entire dog/cat-hair pillow industry.
 
Once a plumber had to come clear out our drain. We were living in LA at the time and it was a true freak show. As I witnessed the tangled mass of hair being pulled from the bowels of the earth, a mass filled with all manner of evil, I felt the bile rise in my throat. I retched uncontrollably. From that day on, when a plumber needs to be is called, I leave the house. Fool me once.
 
I imagined a horror film about it. Working title: The Plumber—A Hair Raising Tale. (Nope. No shame.)
 
I came to terms with the curls long ago. It’s how you can find me in a crowd. Works as insolation in my ski helmet. Makes me almost an inch taller. And it takes virtually no time to “style.” But the second it leaves my head, it’s dead to me!
 
(My husband will now feel the necessity to tell me that technically, since all hair is dead cells that have been pushed out of the follicles, my curls are also dead to me before they leave my head. Thanks babe.)