Astrology: A sky full of answers or heavenly hoo-hah?

I’ve long had a love/hate relationship with astrology. Like most humans walking the earth, I am always oh so happy to hear more about me. How special I am. How and when will the universe will finally and rightly notice my unquestionable skills and reward them appropriately? Then I say to myself, Of course it’s all crap, right? How can my birthday foretell anything happening in 2026? But wait. What was that about my rising sign and more money?

Years ago, in a land far away, around the outskirts of the fairy kingdom known as Los Angeles, a friend of mine had her chart done. She was very taken with the woman who did the reading and strongly suggested I also go see this woman. It was a time in my life where I was saying yes to everything. I was making my money in advertising, and doing stand-up at night, working out with The Groundlings, and writing screenplays with Mr. Parker. (Well before I was Mrs. Parker.) 

Here’s what I remember of that reading. 

I’m a Libra (which I already knew) with Aries rising. Intel like that makes some people say, “Ah-ha! Makes so much sense!” Does it? I feel like these are the same people who rub my shoulders and declare, “Wow, that’s a really big knot. Here, let me break it up. See? Now isn’t that better?”

“No.” The unsaid part? That knot, if there indeed is one, feels exactly the same. Except now it’s extra sore from you digging into it with your French manicure. 

Back to the stars. The other tidbit I remember from the reading was this woman telling me that someday I would be involved in a lawsuit. I’d take someone to court and win. This has yet to happen. Although I do wonder if I should have sued after being in the operating room for the removal of a nine-pound fibroid tumor and an equipment failure turned a quick procedure into a four-hour ordeal. BTW, it’s too late now. The statute of limitations has run out. I blew my big chance to retire in style on the back of a benign tumor.

It wasn’t until leaving New York for Los Angeles that I heard people say things like, “No wonder your mail got lost. Mercury is in retrograde.” Or, “Of course your movie pitch was rejected. Mercury is in retrograde.” Or, “Get under the bed, quick! Mercury is in retrograde.” I swear, if you ever tell me something in my life will blow up because Mercury is in retrograde, I will punch you in the throat. (You’ve been warned.) 

Yet, while I’m not buying what astrology is selling (mostly), it makes me uncomfortable. Even though I call bullshit out loud, I get quietly nervous. Which is truly why I don’t want to hear it. It’s best to just not look. But then, am I like the person who doesn’t go to the doctor because they’re afraid of learning something is horrible wrong with them? I’m going to say a hard, probably not. (You can see I’m living in a house built on sand.)
Flash forward: four days a week, I’m doing long, fast walks. A portion of these walks includes listening to a podcast. (BTW, I’m done with true crime. Again I ask, can we please stop killing women for sport? Thank you.) Last week, I was listening to I Need You Guys with Jenny Slate, Max Silvestri, and Gabe Liedman. Their guest was Astrologer Chani Nicholas. Nope. I switched to Amy Pohler’s Good Hang, and on my next workout listened to Ask Iliza Anything.

But today’s power walk came, and being up to date on my usual listens, Apple Podcasts sent me back to the show with Chani, AKA Scary Star Lady. (Not really.) I thought, Ugh. Be steely. I let it play, ready to switch it off at any moment. 

Chani came across as an affable gal and surprisingly grounded. Fortunately, none of the host’s signs matched mine, so her specific intel didn’t affect me. Honestly, I was lost when the discussion turned to explaining the difference between what you should glean from your sun sign as opposed to your rising or moon sign. It was heartening when she asked the hosts if her explanation made sense and they responded with either dead air or, “Mmm, not really.” The rest of the chat focused on a caller’s question that had nothing to do with astrology. Safe.

SIDE NOTE: Chani did a swell job of fielding the caller’s question. Succinct and pithy. Well played.
Please know that I’m not trying to throw a rusty wrench into your “I Heart Astrology” toolbox. If it works for you, please, travel with Orion (whatever his sun sign is). I’m simply too skeptical and simultaneously superstitious to suit up for it. 

That said, if you ever want to rightly notice my unquestionable skills and reward them appropriately, despite the location of Mercury, you know how to reach me. 

I’m curious. I know my readers to be thinking people. So, where do you net on getting your chart read? Is it just a fun diversion, or do you put stock in it? 

BONUS: You can get a free 30-day trial of the CHANI astrology app using promo code INEEDYOUGUYS30. (This is not an affiliate link. In fact, It’s not a link at all. You’re on your own.)