No More Snow! (Or, The Disney Princess I’d Kill First.)

Harsh, I know. Now, did I just say that I’d kill a Disney princess purely for the heightened headline score on Sharethrough? You know. For making this blog post achieve a higher SEO score, therefore reaching more eyes? Or am I actually harboring murderous intent towards Snow White? 
 
Before you call the cops, please know that even if I am indeed plotting the elimination of Miss White, there is not yet a law against killing a fictional character. Although Kathy Bates did exact some nasty revenge on an author for killing off a fictional hero in the movie based on Steven King’s Misery. (Oops! Spoiler alert!) 
 
How would one kill an animated character, anyway? For that intel, we need only look at Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Just whip up a batch of turpentine, acetone and benzene, a.k.a. “Dip,” a.k.a. “Toon Acid.” As Judge Doom demonstrated in the groundbreaking live-action film that featured Toons and humans acting together, Dip destroys the paint of animated characters, who then simply "melt" away. 
 
If only it were that simple. But no. Snow White is the princess story that just won’t die—but should. You may know that there’s a new live-action Snow White movie with live-action Rachel Zegler and live-action Gal Gadot cavorting with animated-action dwarves. It’s scheduled for release on March 21. Before this, a mere 13 years ago, (barely long enough ago to prep a bat-mitzvah fit for a princess) we got Snow White and the Huntsman with Kristen Stewart, Charlize Theron and Chris Hemsworth.  
 
But let’s back up. Why am I so against this German fairy tale written all the way back in 1812? (And yes, I am so against it.) Because it is the worst messaging ever put forth, and the fact that we continue feeding it to children (mostly girls) is sickening, disturbing, debilitating, and many, many other “ings.” 
 
A quick catalog of offenses. The Snow White saga is short and bitter. Key points: Girl moves to new neighborhood. Evil Queen loses her shit when her talking mirror (available at Bed Bath & Beyond dot com or HomeGoods) tells her that someone prettier than she has entered the scene. Evil Queen devises plan to have new girl killed. Killed! In the failed attempt, Evil Queen ends up dying. Fade to black. Oh, and there may or may not be a handsome prince to start setting up some more atrocious message for girls.
 
So, Snow White’s hidden lesson is this: if someone is more beautiful than you, you can simply kill them.Or, more clearly: “You must be the prettiest at all costs.” It has bedtime-story written all over it, right? Now I lay me down to sleep, murderous visions of vanity at my feet.
 
You know what else happens if you’re the prettiest one? You score a handsome prince who has wheelbarrows full of money and you’ll never have to work or think again. Life will be perfect. Just as long as you don’t visit any White Lotus hotels (which Amazon Prime assures us are staffed by only the best working stiffs serving guests who are despicably entitled billionaires like yourself and Prince & Princess Florion).
 
So why, why are film executives in 2025 saying, “Let’s tell Snow White again!” And why are stunning women like Gal and Charlize lining up to play the evil queen? Is it an “I’m so beautiful that I’ll appear vulnerable and relatable if I play a character that’s only the second-most beautiful character in a film?”  
 
Actress Rachel Zegler, who’s playing the new Snow White, the first-most beautiful character in this film, has defended this new telling of the story by saying, “She’s not going to be saved by the prince and she’s not going to be dreaming about true love. She’s dreaming about becoming the leader she knows she can be and the leader that her late father told her that she could be if she was fearless, fair, brave and true.” 
 
Please excuse me as I execute a very loud, very fake-sneeze that sounds like this: “Bullshit!” Really? This asinine princess-in-peril trope from antiquity is OK because it has a shiny new 21st-century sheen of women-can-be-powerful message shoe-horned into it? Excuse me. I have to sneeze again. And we still haven’t even mentioned the dwarfs.
 
So, let me get off my own soapbox for a moment and quote from Peter Dinklage’s. World-famous for his work in Game Of Thrones, Peter Dinklage is a respected actor, a winner of Golden Globe, Emmy and SAG awards, a New Jersey native (always makes me happy to have Jersey in the house), and very vocal about being a little person. He also refuses to play “elves or leprechauns.”
 
Mr. Dinklage says, and I quote: “Literally no offense to anyone, but I was a little taken aback when they were very proud to cast a Latina actress as Snow White, but you’re still telling the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. You’re progressive in one way but then you’re still making that f–king backward story about seven dwarfs living in a cave together. What the f–k are you doing, man? Have I done nothing to advance the cause from my soapbox? I guess I’m not loud enough.” 
 
Thank you, Peter for covering that topic better than I could have. And please know that should you ever want to hang at the shore, I’m just a phone call away. I’ll have Mr. Parker sling the pizzas and I’ll bring the Guinness.
 
Back to Snow White. Stop it. Stop her. Stop anyone who says, “Hey, I have an idea. I bet we can make a ton of money by retelling this sick piece of garbage.” Stop them. Slap the script out of their hand. Then slap them. Then slap yourself to knock any lingering nostalgia you may have for Dopey out of your head.
 
Dopey. Shit. I forgot. We never addressed the mentally challenged, non-verbal person in the room. Wait, maybe they made his character OK because he now wants to be a leader too. Wow. Okay. I feel better. You?
 
Stay Careful-ish,
Honey Parker
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(Sidebar: So bummed that Gal, an actress I’ve admired, is in this “Just say no?” debacle.)