SHUT UP!!! (please?)

I have a question for the room. How do you stop a conversation when the other person won’t let it end?
 
All the information has been exchanged, the laughs have been laughed (or tears cried) and the momentum has gone. So why can some people not take the hint and let the conversation die a natural death? Why do they insist on making us kill it?
 
There are accepted social cues for ending a conversation. You know them. You’ve used them. Unless, of course, you are one of those people of whom I speak. In which case, pay careful attention and perhaps you’ll learn something valuable. (You’re welcome.)
 
Whether the conversation is face-to-face, on the phone, or via text (email conversations went out with Wham!) there are things we do and say to initiate a clean break. Shall we review? I’m taking your silence as a Yes.
 
First up, ending the Face-To-Face Convo. Know that some of these cues will overlap with phone cues. I’ll start with my personal favorite. “Well, okay now.” If I’m talking to you and whip out a spunky little “Well, okay now!”, the party’s over. Our chat has done all it needed to do.
 
We solved world peace. We confirmed our dinner plans. We’ve exchanged thoughts on little Marjorie May’s choice of lemon-yellow hot pants. And we agreed to never drink THAT purple cocktail ever again. “Well, okay now!” Time to walk away.  
 
Other useful phrases include (but aren’t limited to): “Alrighty then,” “That’s how it goes,” “Say hey to your mom,” “This was great,” “How ‘bout those Mets?” (holds on that one until eight weeks after the season), and, “Look at the time!”
 
But what if “Well, okay now” doesn’t produce the desired effect? What if the exchange moves from delightful chat to nonstop rambling? What next?
 
There’s always The Bathroom Gambit. Few people will question you if you say you need to use the restroom. And if they do, know that you have the legal right, and perhaps the obligation, to simply walk away from The Rambler in question.
 
Caution: there are two pitfalls with the bathroom gambit. First, if you’re at an event where there are other people, and while en route to your jail-break bathroom visit, Person B approaches you to chat. And Person B is someone you’ve been wanting to talk to. Then The Rambler may sidle over and either question your true intent, or worse, prattle on as if you never ducked them in the first place.
 
The second pitfall, which is oh-so-much worse, is when you initiate the bathroom gambit and The Rambler says, “I’ll come with you,” thus forcing you to continue the charade by going to the bathroom, going into a stall, dropping trou, counting to 110 (trust me, it’s the correct amount of time), and flushing the toilet, thus wasting water. And this is all while The Rambler is squatting next to you and, still talking!
 
In this scenario, know that the other guests at the event have clocked you entering and exiting the lavatory with The Rambler. They are now either deeming you and The Rambler new besties, or know exactly what’s going on and are letting you take this one for the team. No!!!
 
In this second situation, your only recourse is to commit your second lie of the evening. You feign nausea with vomiting imminent (in competitive eating circles they call it “a reversal of fortune”) and you go home. There will be other parties.   
 
Next up is the phone call. Your old friend, Mrs. “Well, Okay Now,” should work here as well. Emphasis on should. It sometimes does not. The good news? The bathroom gambit works perfectly as a backup in this setting. A clean, and often quick, goodbye.
 
Years ago, back in the days of the landline (Google it), I remember being on a call that would not end. I must have said, “Well, okay now” a half-dozen times. Each time, I brought my head and the receiver a few inches lower and closer to the phone, until I finally uttered my last “Well, okay now” and hung up. Even as a kid, I turned impatient and incredulous. I remember blurting out, “Didn’t they hear me say, ‘Well, okay now’?!”
 
Hello texting, the latest entry into the “Never can say goodbye” arena. (Now I have the Jackson 5 song in my head. Could be worse.) In this arena, there is no “Well, okay now.” Instead, God gave us emojis.
 
Once a person you’re chatting with throws an emoji into the ring, look out. You should know it’s time to wrap things up. They’re not interested in another joke “you had to be there” for, a picture of an event they missed, or a not-so-fun fact about pizza dough. (Guess where I got that last one.) At this point, I will either toss out an emoji of my own or just stop texting completely.
 
And if I really want to hit a hard stop, I send a thumbs up. Clean. Simple. Succinct. Zero emotion. What else is there to say? Apparently for some, plenty. This is where text chats go off the rails.
 
If someone, anyone thumbs-ups you, for the love of thumb typing: STOP! Because adding insult to tone-deaf injury, your unwanted texts are accompanied by a ding tone. So what the recipient hears is, “DING!” Shit, they didn’t stop. “DING!” Enough already. “DING!” I hate people.
 
Not paying real attention to the person you’re communicating with is nothing new. The Rambler has been with us since the dawn of time. I’m betting if you happen to find yourself in Egypt (it could happen—I have four friends there at this very moment) you’ll find a series of hieroglyphs that ends with three cats drawn in two-dimensional perspective, with paws over their ears.
 
“The Rambler” almost sounds like a superhero. If a superpower was being super-annoying. They do have the power to clear rooms. Rambling is part of a lack of self-awareness, one of my biggest pet peeves. (Even bigger than the phrase “pet peeve.”)
 
Don’t make us tell you to shut it. Because we likely won’t. We’re not that rude. We’ll just think it. And we’ll bookmark you as a long talker. And we’ll think twice before engaging. Nobody wants that.
 
Bottom line, it is our social duty to listen for the cue that the conversation is coming to an end. Think you heard it but aren’t sure? Err on the side of caution. Leave them wanting more and end it. Realize that you’re never the one to end a conversation? Try it. Go crazy. You might like it.
 
Who knows, you may get mad with power. You’ll say, “Well, okay now” right after the “How’ve you been?” Make a game of it. Race your friends to the “Well, okay now.” The world will be a better place for it.
 
“Well, okay now.”