Spam anyone? (Or: Be careful-ish fishing bait what you bite into online.)

I know we all get spammed in email and on social. Such is the social disease in our playpen without borders. And, like the canned (or “tinned”) version of spam, e-spam comes in a variety of flavors.
 
Oh, you didn’t know that there are Spam line-extensions? There are 22, to be exact, including; Classic, Hot & Spicy, Oven Roasted Turkey, Jalapeño, Teriyaki, and my personal favorite, Spam Lite. For those times when you’re jonesing for compressed pig parts, but bathing suit season is coming up.
 
But I digress. (Nothing new.) The flavors of e-spam are equally varied. There’s Threatening Flavor spam, i.e. “You have two days to respond or the IRS will be knocking at your door.” NOTE: The IRS will never knock on your door. They always ring the bell.
 
Perhaps you enjoy the Thinly Veiled Scam spam: “We noticed suspicious activity in your bank account. Please click here to verify your information.” This one is usually accompanied by a fuzzy version of your bank’s logo and a return email address like hank@bankfoamerica_fromrussiawithlove_darkdampcellar_whoarewekidding.com.
 
And, of course, the Self-Pleasuring Blackmail Scam Spam. I like these not only for the rhyming and alliteration, but because they are just damn good writing. Mr. Parker used to get these with some frequency and, fortunately for us, he saved several. Some of you know that my man does voiceover work. He’s said things like, “The Super Bowl on NBC 4 is brought to you by Uni-ball Pens. Why wouldn’t you use a Uni-ball?” But sometimes, when the moon is at just the right azimuth and the little hand is nearing vertical, he’ll recite one of these emails aloud.
 
The voice he uses is a cross between Slavic, Asian, and Snidely Whiplash (Look it up) and varies in tone from menacing to delighted. Between the claims of infecting your computer with malware, to the declarations of witnessing your self-pleasuring activities, to the threats of sending videos of said pleasure to everyone on your mailing list, to the explanation of how to pay (“Send $2,000 in Bitcoin. Don’t know how to use Bitcoin? Google, ‘How to use Bitcoin.’”), it’s just good entertainment.
 
Tasty Spam flavors all. But today I’m focusing on a particular variety of Spam. Let’s call this dish Creepy Spam in Stalker Sauce. Ladies, I know that most of you have received one or twelve of these things in your time online. They typically show up on your FB or IG threads. They may show up on Threads by now, but I’m not current enough to know. This yummy spam is sent by a man (apparently, other women aren’t that into me [sad emoji]) and they say something like;
 
“I read your profile and I can’t stop thinking that we should be friends. I can tell you have a big heart and are the kind of person who cares deeply about others. And you are so attractive. Your eyes say so much. I would very much like to be friends with someone as special as you. Please accept my friend request. I’ll wait patiently.”
 
So much to unpack here. Let’s just go in order. First up, “I can tell you have a big heart…” OMG! No one has ever seen me the way this man does. I mean, really SEEN me. This stranger has looked at my posts, things like: “Happy Day After Dry January. Guess what’s in the coffee. ” and immediately deciphered that what I meant was, “I wonder what I can do to help the starving children of [FILL IN THE BLANK].” Amazing! Why don’t my friends ever acknowledge the size of my heart? My doctor has acknowledged that I have a surprisingly low heart rate, but he never said anything about its size.
 
Next up, the play to my vanity; “And you are so attractive. Your eyes say so much.” Quick, guess what my eyes are saying right now! Can you read it as they roll? In truth, I can’t argue with the attractive part. But look who I attracted. Remember, attractive doesn’t mean beautiful. Sad. And as far as what my eyes say, even my closest friends tell me that my eyes look like I’m either A) mad, B) annoyed, or C) stopping myself from telling the guy at the next table to stop whistling. (Blog callback! Yay!)
 
And lastly, the call-to-action; “Please accept my friend request. I’ll wait patiently.” Hmm. No friend of mine is patient. Nor do I expect them to be. I’m a snappy gal. I move fast and I like it when the people around me do the same. Sorry, my non-friend. You’re gonna need some Olympic level patients. Although…Maybe I should have responded, “So glad you liked my profile. Let’s be friends. BTW, I’m a bit short of cash at the moment. Can you help? I’m sure my eyes are saying that I’ll pay you back.” 
 
Before I deleted Mr. Patient’s spam post and blocked him from my feed, I looked at his profile pic. A gal’s got to know. I’ve looked at enough of these stalkers to see the trends. There’s the Look-How-Harmless Spammer. He’s typically holding a puppy or some other animal with soft fur and big eyes, and he’s dressed in soft clothing. Something flannel. There’s the Set-For-Life Spammer, often in a doctor’s lab coat. His look says, Hook up with me baby and you’ll be on Easy Street. And, of course, the Mr. ‘Merican Spammer. He’s got a lifted truck, and almost always has an eagle somewhere on his person. It’s a look that screams, “Oh, you’re Jewish? Never mind.”
 
While I joke, these spammers make me sad. As with all forms of scam, people perpetrate them because there are those who will get taken in. I feel for the women who are truly looking for someone to care. These predators hone their personae to snag those already rather wounded. Shame on them.
 
Mr. Parker informed me that the Creepy Spam in Stalker Sauce that men get is a variation known as Creepy Spam in Sexy Asian Sauce. Think: more implicit suggestions about what the sender would like to do for (or to) the recipient. The account profile picture often looks like it came in a picture frame purchased in a Bangkok Walmart. That Mr. Parker is a lucky guy.
 
Sidebar: I accidently typed, “That Mr. Parker is a LICKY guy.” [Laughing emoji]
 
I’ll end with my favorite line extension of the Creepy Spam in Stalker Sauce. It’s the Creepy Spam in Stalker Sauce with Unidentifiable Country of Origin. The kind where the English reads like poorly translated instructions for putting together that authentic Adirondack chair from Thailand. Example:
 
“I feel special calling someone like you my friend [heart emoji + 4 flower emojis], sorry for infringing on your comment , but I must say you have wonderful profile and your post are Worth reading…[heart emoji + 5 flower emojis] but so sad enough we’re not friends here on Facebook and I’ve been trying to send you a request but it keeps on declining would you mind sending me a friend request just wanna be honest friends. Thanks and God bless dear [heart emoji + flower emoji]”
 
I know you’re in no way surprised when I say this heart-felt spam call will not be answered. But it did make me laugh to myself, and maybe now it made you laugh. So, I say to the sender, a Mr. R. A. George, Thank and God bless dear [heart emoji + flower emoji].
 
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! THIS JUST IN!!!
 
I kid you not. As I was finishing reviewing this blog post, a new, most delicious Spam Came in. I’m calling this one, “Child-Bate Spam” and it’s genius.
 
“Hello. Good day. How are you feeling today? Well, firstly I want to apologize for commenting on your comment section but my little daughter just told me that you look like her mom. She said daddy let's give her a message because mom never hesitates to answer me. God bless you if you put a smile on her face.”
-Stephan
 
WOW, so much stronger bate than a puppy or a lab coat. That is, unless you have no interest in putting up with Stephan’s kid (who clearly isn’t over her mother) and potentially funding her college or worse, chipping in for her bail money. I don’t believe that god will be blessing me, or that I’ll be putting a smile on her, or your face. Again I say, wow and I’ll add a daaaaaaamn!
 
Cheers and stay careful-ish
Honey
 
P.S. Pleeeeeeease feel free to share a bite from a delicious spam dish you’ve received.